As I sat there wondering how my life got to this point. For I have done everything I was programed to do. I forgot about myself and did everything that everyone else wanted of me. Yet here I am along and with two kids who needed me to be there rock, to help them through this. I now needed to figure out what I needed and how to create that for myself and my kids.
This has not been an easy journey in fact it is still one that I deal with today, just on a different level that I did about 8 years ago at the beginning of the separation, the start of a divorce the end of a 17 year journey. Now to start the journey to finding me, what is it that I wanted. For I had an image in my mind of what life was to be like. How was I to make that happen with all my programing telling me that I was nothing and that I would not have anything that I dreamed of.
This is where remembering who I was before I got reprogramed would came into my life. Over the last eight years has been many trials full of success and errors but I guess when looking bac so has my whole life. When doing what others think is right they don’t question your decisions it is when you go against them that they start to question you. Even through who you are becoming is more authentic than you have ever been before.
There has been many things that have come up for me during this time. Will my friends now still be friends with me when I transform into who I am to be during this life time. Will I have new friends to help get through the times of heart ach. How do I figure this out and sort through all this when I did not even know myself or even in fact did not even like myself. No matter where I worked I always had work friends, I never really had good friends throughout my life or childhood.
Looking back now as I am in a different place I was looking for the ones who thought I was worth going through the bumps with. Could never find any until a few years ago because I never thought I was worth going through the bumps with. If we don’t think we are worth that kind of a relationship we will never find those within our life.
Moving past the unrealized programing was the best thing I could have done for me in this life time. How did I do this without reliving through the damage that got me to this place. See sometimes we go through things so traumatic that our mind hides it from you until you are ready to remember. When you have a childhood full of hate, neglect, abuse on so many different levels, jealousy, and than all the negative things that these create within a life time.
Learning to love yourself is the best way to get through the crap that got you to this point. This was not an easy task for learning to love yourself when you where taught that you are nothing and worthless and these are from the people within the house that you grow up in. I mean after all if the people who gave birth to me could not love and accept me than who in this world would.
Learning to go into the Akashic Records and work on rewriting my story within the sub-conscious mind is the best thing I have ever done for myself in this life time.
Here is a link to the definition to the Akashic Records.